This is Heaven

(resume 11:54AM, 9/10/2000) from my journal...

                I was sitting this morning at Café Wall Berlin, eating breakfast and
reading through the new 3^rd edition D&D Players Handbook, when I had a
sudden outpouring of love for all people. A couple of guys had come in to
wash the windows, and I was watching them, and I felt both slight pity for
them while also being very grateful for what they were doing. I was happy
they were cleaning the windows since Wall Berlin is my favorite café, and it
just helps make the place incrementally more pleasant. I was faintly award of
some gospel music playing on the speakers. I looked over to the counter and
waiting in line was beautiful girl, with long brown hair and an amazing body.
Then I looked back to the window washers, framed with sunlight pouring
through the windows, and I spontaneously felt as if love was emanating from
me towards all things. It was unexplainable. I felt overwhelmed by my own
emotions.

                I can’t remember ever quite feeling that way. I don’t know if I would
call it a moment of insight or what… It only lasted about 5 seconds, maybe 10.
And then it was gone.

                I was talking to Luc once about how he had similar experiences. It was
almost a month ago, on August 18^th, 2000 (what would have been my three year
anniversary with Phuong). We were at a party at Steve’s place. We had been
drinking a little and were sitting down in a corner, chilling and talking. Luc then
revealed to me that he had begun feeling love for everyone there. He told me it
was a state of being that came to him infrequently, but happened when in large
groups of people after he had been relaxing and observing the people for a period
of time. Then after observing them for a while, he would feel this “outpouring of
love for everyone.” I understood it at the time to be some form of temporary
enlightenment. But at the same time I was unable to relate to it very well.
Previously, I had only felt feelings of love towards single individuals on a long-
term basis, or momentary feelings of love towards a few people.[1]

                After my 5 to 10 seconds of loving for all people was gone, I then
immediately felt immense feelings of lust for women. Not just for the beautiful
girl waiting in line, but uncontrolled lust for all women. It completely occupied
my mind. Lust in all ways, shapes and positions.

                I then contemplated whether lust was just a derivative of love. Was
this uncontrolled lust a result of my prior outpouring of love for everyone? Or
maybe the momentary feeling of love I felt was just a triggering due to the lust
I felt when the beautiful brown haired girl came in. I don’t know.

(pause 1:44PM, 9/10/2000)